The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
