I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
