and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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