Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
50% drunk capacity currently
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
