A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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