Need sex. Gaining weight.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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