I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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