I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
