come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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