Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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