i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
