Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
