i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
