I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
