note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
