i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
