I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
