omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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