Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
