does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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