The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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