I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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