I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
