You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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