Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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