both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize