I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
