i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We are all done wearing pants today
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
