He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
