Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Sorry about my life...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
