i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
