it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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