What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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