No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
That accounts for only three of the penises
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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