i think my mom watched the whole time
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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