found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
