I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize