I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
