just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
