Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
