Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
