Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
