these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
