he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
