nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize