Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
