I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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