I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
