Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize