got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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