i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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