Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
