Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We need to get me chipped asap
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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