The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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