Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
