Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
