and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
