I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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