He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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