Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
