She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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