my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
