yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize